Come on, come on out

 Unedited. I need to come back to this one. It took a lot of energy for me to put these thoughts all in one place. I'll come back to it later. And I'm sure there will be additional pieces to the story.

Come on, come on out (olly, olly, in come free)

Welcome to my 65+ coming out story,

Essay in verse form.

I’ve been telling it in bits and pieces

In coded language

Between the lines

For several years.

Mostly since I was around 60,

Maybe earlier.

I wasn’t sure about going public with my story

I mean, i’m not famous

I’m not glamorous

I’m not a “published writer”.

I’m just a 66 year old woman

Trying to come to terms

With who she is.

Trying to figure out how she wants to live her life 

going forward.

By looking at how she lived her life

Until now.

The easy way

Except it wasn’t easy

Over time she wondered

Why she chose the easy way

Even though she knew it wasn’t

the right way.

Even though she knew it wasn’t 

her truth.

It’s never too late

To consider the consequences 

It’s never too late

to look deeply

Into your heart and mind

To look at the signals

The signs

The choices you made

The turns your life took

And finally decide

To be yourself

The self that was always there

But you tried to push down

To fit in

You tried to push down

Because of pressure to be

What people needed you to be.

The self you smothered in the name of 

Now you wonder, in the name of,

Who knows what.

I wasn’t ashamed of my feelings

I was confused

Confused by the reaction to my true self

Versus the reaction to what they perceived.

Confused and a little jealous now

Of women my age who were secure enough in themselves

And brave enough

To make the choice then

To say who and what they were

To live it.

I wasn’t that brave.

I wasn’t that sure.

For over sixty years I fought it

I tried to ignore it.

I was happy enough,

But not really.

I knew i was a facade

Waiting to be blown over

If the wind blew in the right

(or is it wrong)

Direction.

I knew cracks were forming.

I felt them getting bigger.

The wind getting stronger and persistent,

And i started to break free

And now I wonder what will happen

When the walls

Fully come down.

And i am left

Without a facade

Without shelter

Just me

And my story

Hanging on

Trying to pick up and move forward

With a life I barely recognize

A life I’ve never lived

A life I was afraid to live.

It’s time to

Come on,

Come on out.